2009 American Music Awards: A Running Diary
I’m using this photo as a reminder of what we hope WON’T happen this evening. Tune in and keep refreshing. Your girl is on the job. Pause.
8:00PM Eight minutes of Janet Jackson. I’m still wondering if I care. Nice mixture…my song “If” is my fav so far. Mary J. Blige looks like she wants to go home. Maybe she’s just mad she’s standing next to Carrie Underwood who looks like she’s watching Pee Wee’s Playhouse.
8:06PM Okay two minutes to go?
8:07PM She ended a minute early. CHEATER!
8:09PM Paula Abdul begs for her career back as the host. That’s sad.
8:11PM Black Eyed Peas win best Pop/Rock group. Finally they can stop pretending to be Hip-Hop.
8:15PM Rascal Flatts wins the Country award. The lead singer just did some hee haw and Snoop didn’t care. Snoop and I share that sentiment.
8:17PM Pete Wentz cut his hair and now he looks like Jeremy Piven. I’m all for it. He announced Daughtry. Double whammy in the hot category.
8:19PM Chris Daughtry is getting that grown man wealthy weight going. His wife is fattening him up I bet. Whore.
8:20PM Shakira doing a step show? Did she even go to college? Now she’s rapping? Is this Obama’s doing?
8:24PM That Shakira performance was awful. Whitney Houston was clapping and cheering. She thinks she’s at the Oscars accepting her award for the Bodyguard.
8:30PM Keith Urban is performing “Kiss A Girl”. Maybe Katy Perry will come out and remix it…with Jill Sobule or something. I realize at these shows that country music means nothing to me.
8:33PM Keith Urban has anchor woman hair. Yay Reba! I love her show. Rumor has it she sings too. Burn!
8:35PM Kelly Clarkson is NOT your good buddy, Reba. No one likes Kelly Clarkson as a person. Ask Simon Cowell & Clive Davis.
8:37PM At least Kelly knows not to run around on stage like Janet and Shak. Her voice sounds good. If she were dancing and singing, though I bet she’d sound like James Gandolfini.
8:43PM Taylor wins best Pop/Rock female. Now’s the time for Kanye to hit the stage. So undeserving. Where are you Yeezy??
8:44PM A-Rod introduces “Empire State Of Mind”. Fair enough.
8:46PM Hovi and Leeshy are dressed so nice. Perez Hilton has white hair now and everyone is into this performance. Except for Colbie Caillat. She looked bored. Bitch.
8:47PM Lady Gaga just gave a stone face. She’s dressed like Che Guevara. Ugh, I’m gonna hate her now for the rest of the show.
8:50PM Empire State of Mind – best performance so far. Christian Slater looks like he’s had botox up the ass to announce the best rock whatever award. Green Day won. Shocker. They win everything. They’ll be up for best Gospel album next.
9:00PM Kate Hudson is here? Can A-Rod go ANYWHERE without her? And she’s announcing the Black Eyed Peas. Fergie looks like Janice Dickinson. The bad side of her.
9:02PM This Pea with the bun in his hair is like the Pras of the group. Go back to standing backstage by the complimentary beverages, Pras.
9:03PM When Fergie raps, a piece of Hip-Hop dies. That speaker man walking on stage is cool. Why do they keep showing Seth Green cuddling on some woman twice his size?
9:06PM They are obligated to give this R&B Award to Michael Jackson. He was up against Jamie Foxx and Maxwell??? I mean, really?
9:07PM MJ wins RIP. Jermaine accepts the award with his own kids. Sketchy. Jermaine Jackson is holding that award like, “So THIS is what it feels like.”
9:13PM Blah blah country blah blah Keith Urban.
9:15PM Beyonce wins and isn’t there? No “Telephone”?? She knew not to come. This show blows. I’m still disappointed. Ne-Yo’s announcing Rihanna and is pretending he likes women. Still.
9:18PM This Rihanna performance is lacking major luster. She’s dressed like a candy cane and is cursing. What’s going on?
9:20PM Rihanna’s tattoo said “Please ignore this performance. I’m having a bad day” in hieroglyphics.
9:25PM Rascal Flatts are introducing Carrie Underwood and Samuel L. Jackson is amused by their jokes. At least someone is.
9:27PM Yay Carrie! She’s saving country music. She’s going to be the one to say “Hey let’s start dating outside of our family!” Watch.
9:30PM Lady Gaga…flesh colored outfits and glowing things. Good thing she can sing. She looks like she’s wearing a large condom.
9:33PM Okay okay Lady Gaga can sing her ass off. Too bad she had to break a window to get to her piano and she’s currently on fire.
9:36PM Lady Gaga broke an unnecessary amount of glass during this performance. Still good, but who’s gonna pick the glass out of her ass? Perez Hilton will.
9:42PM Drake, Cudi, and Birthday Sex? Who did Germ-Eye pay to get in that trio?
9:43PM Mary J began with “Everything” and then went right into nothing. If she does the cellphone commercial I’m leaving.
9:46PM If the T-Mobile Award goes to a Verizon subscriber do they have to give it back?
9:48PM J-Lo in the ring! OOH! Lola Fierce!
9:50PM J-Lo staged busting her ass. Publicity win!
10:00PM Whitney sounds good and looks pretty. After all those drugs, her voice is bound to “crack”. Too late? Too soon? Good for her though. She’s rising on up. I’m with it.
10:04PM Whitney just made out with Samuel L. Jackson. Why doesn’t her kid have braces?
10:05PM Ray J sitting right behind Whitney’s daughter. Yeah mmmhmm. R. Kelly is looking at Bobbi Kristina like “Sup shawty?”
10:12PM Taylor Swift wins…again. This time for Country. Before it was Pop/Rock. What’s next? Techno?
10:14PM MJ wins Pop/Rock Award. Jermaine accepts again. This isn’t your award, Jermaine.
10:15PM Alicia Keys is pretending to be a superhero like in her video. I believe her, sadly. But why is she dressed like Neneh Cherry in the “Buffalo Stance” video?
10:20PM I have no idea what this performance was about.
10:25PM You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you’re like, “Whew! Thank God Eminem is here!” He’s doing a good job, natch.
10:27PM 50 Cent ran out then ran backstage. Now Em is doing Drake’s song? Hmmm.
10:30PM Timbo put his workout weight back on. He looks like he ate Bubba Sparxx. Nelly looks lovely though. Furtado, not the Saint Lunatic.
10:32PM Nelly Furtado looks like Adriana from the new 90210 and Soshy looks like Montana from the Real World Boston.
10:38PM Green Day is usually always good. Time to take a nap.
10:42PM Check the time…Billy Joe voice crack.
10:45PM Of course Hovi wins. Of course. Keri Hilson mumbled something while she was up there. Toni Braxton came up to Keri’s waist. Awkward.
10:46PM “Men lie, women lie…numbers don’t.” Uh oh 50 Cent! Uh oh! Hovi made a dissy poo!
10:50PM Artist of the Year time. It’s gonna be Michael Jackson. It should be Lady Gaga. It better not be Taylor Swift.
10:52PM Nope. Taylor didn’t deserve that. Nope.
10:53PM Taylor Swift wins Artist of the Year and Adam Lambert closes the shit show. This is all very electric sex and glam. Mission accomplished, Lambo.